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[01 May 2005|08:26pm] |
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Nittle Grasper- Predilection |
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I did it. I broke up with him. I heard him telling Seguchi-san that he's "number one." It hurt so bad I thought I was never going to breathe again. I've always been there for him, I've always supported him and loved him, and I've still never managed to make him love me back the way I love him.
Ryuichi wants to be number one to everyone, but he's not willing to give anything back. I don't understand what I could have done to make him want me more.
I should kill him.
I love him so much.
I used to think there was no one on earth more perfect than Sakuma Ryuichi. He was a god... beyond compare. Now, I see how far from reality I shaped him in my dreams. He's nothing like the icon I made him to be. He's imperfect, selfish, dishonest?
So, why do I love him more now, like this, than I ever loved him when he was just an image on a poster? On a screen?
I don't know. I don't want to love him any less. I like loving him.
It's unfair of me to complicate things with my jealousy and silly expectations. I can't be number one, I can't be the only, all I can be is a person to cater to his whims and need for affection. There's a replacement for me just around the corner. He won't miss me because I was never anymore more than something he could claim. But to me, he was more that. He was the world.
And fuck, I've never been so turned on by him in my life. I'm so sick and twisted, I can't even make up my own mind.
( Read more... )
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| Dream On |
[01 Apr 2005|06:51pm] |
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mood |
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rejected |
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music |
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Depeche Mode- Dream On |
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Being with Ryuichi is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was idealistic. I thought with Ryuichi everything would be perfect happiness. But, I've found that every day I have had to redefine what perfection is.
Is he worth it? Fuck yeah, he is. I love him, and I always will. He's just showing me how to adapt, which I want to do for his sake. I love my baby.
I just wish I could be enough for him. I haven't been with anyone but him and... well, another person, but that's a complicated manner. Ryuichi can't be satisfied with just me. I know that now.
Depeche Mode- Dream On
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| I used to think... |
[23 Mar 2005|01:43am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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BLOOD- Heaven |
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I used to think that having Ryuichi would be the perfect dream; that nothing could make me happier. He would be perfect in every way, and I would never have to be sad, or lonely, or jealous ever again.
But, now I see that is not so. Human's can only act in accordance to their nature. And no man is a god, no matter what he seems from a distance. If anything, I am more sad, more alone, and more jealous than ever.
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| He said YES! |
[14 Feb 2005|12:31pm] |
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mood |
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Schwarz Stein- Emergence of Silence |
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Oh man, oh man, oh man! Ryuichi said yes. He's going to go out on a date with me. Nori-chan said mentioned a tunnel of love (not that one, I don't think he gives it up on the first date!), and all I can imagine is me and Ryu with Kuma cuddling in the dark. I want that so bad. I'm going to die... I get all weak when I think about having Ryuichi in my arms. Well, if he lets me put my arms around him. I'll just play it by feel and see how he warms up to me. I'll only go as far as he lets me, though I'll certainly push it to see where he stops me.
Rage said I should have sex before I go on the date so I don't end up going crazy with lust for Ryu. She's right. If I'm all backed up and staring at Ryuichi, it's going to drive me crazy. As much as I don't want anyone but Ryuichi, I also don't want my erection to get in the way of us enjoying our time together. I genuinely want to have fun with him, no expectations. I know that he has to get to know me before he decides what he wants from me, be it friendship or more.
But at least I get the chance. At least I get my date.
Now, I just need to find someone to sleep with ASAP. I'm already beginning to go insane. Sperm must be toxic. There's too much in me, and I'm being poisoned.
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| Guess what? |
[12 Feb 2005|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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Bad Luck- Bird |
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I asked Ryuichi Sakuma out on a date. I haven't heard back from him, of course, since he's a busy man. But, the point is that I grabbed my balls and did it.
I wanted to tell Eiri that I asked, if only to see his face lighten (or darken) with amusement. But, he won't answer the phone. I know he's home.
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